Jameson, Lovey Girl, and I went to the mountains this weekend.  A good time was had by all.  We just relaxed and ate (I’m still full    Obviously I knew the date Thanksgiving occurs on. It’s the same day in November every year (hee hee).  We’re going to Jameson’s parents for dinner which is served at 12 so in my mind I think of it as lunch.  It will only be Jameson, me, LG, my FIL, my MIL, and Jameson’s grandmother.  I already know what we’ll be eating because she makes the same meal for each holiday.  ie:  Thanksgiving has its own designated meal, Chrismas Eve does, Chrismas Day, and Easter also.  I know the meal down to the type of rolls that will be served including the brand and everthing.  I know some people find tradition comforting, but I find it boring.  However, the traditional gathering that I usually dread because I know how the everthing will play out may be different with the added ingredient of LG .  We’re having ”dinner” with the in-laws but are going to my parens house for dessert.  

At my parents my mom offered to be a dinner host for new immigrant students at her school (she teaches English at a community college) so she has two girls from Korea (I believe that’s the location) coming for dinner.  Obviously, U.S. Thanksgiving didn’t exist there so it’s neat.  She asked me to make chocolate chip cookies and said she was pretty sure they had been in the U.S. long enough to have been offered traditonal chocolate chip cookies, but she wanted to have them to serve.  My MIL is providing a traditional PA dutch dessert names shoofly pie.  My mom and my uncle (her brother) were both born in a town outside of Lancas.ter, PA not far from where my in-laws live and they LUV that pie (so do I…warm with vanilla ice cream….yum!). 

I’m noticing the difference between the two family gatherings.  In-laws:  sameness and tradition that my MIL finds comforting.  My parents:  14 people including 2 students who are new to the U.S.  In-laws:  no liquor, same meal, same seats around the table, scripted.  My parents:  uncle who makes his own wine and another who is a huge fan of C.rown Roy.al, younger people like my brother and SIL, a baby (LG).  

I could go on and on. Which outing do you think is more fun?  I hate to equate liquor and more people from many different age groups as more fun but I’m not going to sugar coat.  It is more fun at my parents than the in-laws where commonness and tradition rule (sigh).  Anyway, I’m psyching myself up and it’s just a few hours of my life.  We will fulfill our obligation and then move on to the fun outing .

I heard from the place I’d like to store my embryos, and yes, the annual storage fee was $200 cheaper and the guy I spoke to had all sorts of suggestions for donating.  I’m getting paperwork and someone will be calling to discuss the details because I’d like to keep a few but the rest will be donated. He didn’t know how my health condition would affect it as far as people wanting to use the embryos.   I guess I’ll be calling clinic where our embryos are currently stored to find out all the details again since I can’t find my paperwork anywhere!

I called my old clinic today and left a message asking about my embryos.  Someone will supposedly call me back.  Then I called one of the clinics listed on the Mi.racles Waiting site about embryo storage and left a message.  We’ll see how all this, if anything, evolves.  I think I’ve decided that I’d like to keep a small number of them (5 or 6) and donate the rest on the off chance someone is able to carry them for us.  My BFF has offered, but neither she or I know how that will work out.  So now I’ll just wait and see what happens when I get called back. 

I titled the post “The First Step”.  Maybe it should have been ”The First Crawl” because Lovey Girl began crawling this morning.  She’s currently napping, but when she wakes up we’re going in search of a winter jacket for her.  It can’t be too think though or she won’t fit into her car seat.

I’ve been living with it since the end of October and I don’t think I like it.  Ah well, it’ll grow back.  It’s just hair after all.  Right?  Right?

I went to my first non fertility normal gyn appointment today.  Everything is normal .  I asked about ways to increase my s*x drive and help w/painful in.tercourse.  There’s no magical pill for women like there are for men, but for the painful in.tercourse she gave me estrogen that is pretty much inserted like yea.st infection meds.  I’ll give it a try and see if it helps more than lubrication.  I already talked to my two neuro’s and my meds *supposedly* are not the culprit.  Frustrating!  During my pre M.S time life I had a very healthy s+x drive and I want it back!  It’s so funny, I think of myself as pre and post .MS.  I REMEMBER what it was like to want be intimate for non pregnancy just for fun purposes.  Soooo, the anti-depressant has made me a happy camper again and I’m thrilled (I’m also seeing a therapist).  We did go to a s*x therapist a few times, but that wasn’t covered by our insurance and it was a hundred dollars a session. Hmmm, I guess I could call the guy and tell him the truth, that sx therapy doesn’t fit into our 1 income budget, and we would like to see him once a month.  The sx therapist did say that he thought it was a side affect of my health condition and he assured me that with work I could have a happy sx life again.  He did tell me that it would not be like when I was in college or anything, but enjoyable.  OR, I could search for a book that would hopefully offer some helpful strategies.  Jameson’s overtime period at work has now ended and he is approaching me for more intimacy, hence my topic of discussion.

I talked to Jameson today about my embryos.  He suggested that we make sure I won’t need them for the stem cell aspect in the future, but he was in agreement that if they really are of no use for us as far as stem cells go we should donate them since we are on 1 income now.  For example you can get stem cells from your bone marrow so that would eliminate the need for using the embryos.  While I’m sure that’s not a pleasant experience it might be a better option than paying a lot of money for something that I might never use or need.  Ya know?  I did check out  a surrogate website a  few months ago because I’ve been wrestling with this for a while and I was astounded when I found out how much a surrogate costs.  It’s actually less expensive for us to adopt a second child than to use my embryos because with a surrogate we would have to pay all the medical expenses and such.     

So, I have an appointment with both neurologists in December and on Monday I’m going to see my gyn (first time since IF and I’m going to discuss my low s*x drive issue and dryness issue…sigh…but I’ll bring up the stem cell stuff too).  I guess it’s time to start gathering information and trying to figure out out if it’s worth it for me to keep all of them.  The other option is to call other fertility clinics in the area and do a frozen embryo storage price comparison.   Or, I believe I have 22 embryos (not sure, it’s been so long and so much as happened I’d have to call and double check) what if I just kept some for if I wanted to use them for myself and donated the rest?  Maybe it would be less $$ to store them if there were fewer embryos.  Obviously I don’t know and I won’t until I call and find out.   It’s such a big decision and there is an emotional investment in them.

Now that our adoption is going to be finalized I’ve been having all sorts of thoughts.  Oddly enough the one thought that I can’t seem to get to leave my head is that I have a buch of embryos.  I believe they’re all 3 day embryos, but it’s expensive to keep them.  We pay quarterly strorage fees  actually we only paid for one quarter because it’s expensive. They sent us a threatening letter.  I’ve been looking at websites about donating them for other infertile couples but who would want them since I have a health condition?  The one benefit is the large amount of embryos that are there.  It’s not the worst health condition in the world and if a baby did come out of those embryos there’s nothing definite that says the baby would have the health issue.   Opinion?  Should I scrap the idea and let them do research with them?  I am having a hard time with that.  Paying a su.rrogate to use them for myself just seems like a very expensive undertaking when we could adopt a second time.  I know they’re just cells right now but, but, but…

Yesterday a girl who I met through my old infertility support group came over.  She’s pregnant and due in April.  Anyway, after mucho trying the natural way, and the less aggressive IF way, she got pregnant through IVF.  I gave her leftover newborn diapers, onesies, a swaddler, we had lunch, she held LG, and said she was comfortable being around children especially since I had gone through IVF, infertility, and adoption.  She said she’s comfortable with people who have had infertility issues and eventually went on to become parents.  She then asked me if the anger eventually goes away.  She said she finds herself angry/jealous when she learns about other peoples pregnancies even though she’s pregnant unless they got pregnant through infertility treatments or adopted.  She wanted to be assured that the feelings would fade.  I assured her that they would.  I said that once she has her little one and she’s home with the baby she’ll meet other moms.  After a while talk will be about being a mom not about infertility so everyone is on an “even playing field”.  At that point, atleast for, me the infertility anger eventually faded away.  I think she felt better knowing that her feelings were normal and would eventually fade away.

With finalization in the very near future I contacted the adoption agency and again requested the photos of Lovey Girls bio mom.  My thought had been that I would frame the photo and hang it on the wall alongside her certificate of birth from the Tampa hospital in her room.  Once I saw the photo I saw why the agency owner didn’t want to send it to us.  She sent two.  In one she’s wearing VERY heavy make up and the other is better, but both are only head shots and VERY fuzzy so we can’t really tell what she looks like, but neither pic is flattering which made me wonder WHY would you submit an inappropriate purposefully unflattering photo to the adoption agency you are placing your child through KNOWING the adoptive parents would get this picture and your child would someday have access to the photo.  It’s that grainy, out of focus, and the one is just plain old mega tacky (we’re talking heavy blue eye shadow and everything).  The one where she’s not wearing any makeup doesn’t make her look ugly it’s just tiny and out of focus/fuzzy.  I can’t hang that in LG’s room.  I know she didn’t want to have any part in LG’s life, but seeing the photos made me realize how serious she was.  I guess I had a pipe dream that her bio grandmother would see the pictures we send to the agency and want to meet LG or have some sort of contact because her bio grandmother was adopted.  Maybe it’s wrong to base my assumption on the photos she submitted when she signed up with the agency, but it’s all I have to go on.  Lovey Girl is SO fantastic it hurts me to know that her bio mom truly didn’t care enough to submit a somewhat decent picture for her to have.  I wanted LG to have a bio mom who loved her and chose to place her for adoption out of love.  Whether that is true or not it’s what I’m going to tell LG in a way she’ll understand  of course.  My heart hurts for LG and for her bio mom.  I am going to give the agency a call and see if I can get some more information about her bio mom so I have a little more understanding, but I grieve for that aspect of LG’s background and I hope that our love will always be enough and will fulfill her.

On the other hand, she had had multiple a.bortions before giving birth to LG.  Why did she choose to carry the pregnancy?  LG is totally healthy and has met all her milestones.  In her paperwork she said she had not had prenatal care, but she did eat a nutritious diet while pregnant.  So, she might not have wanted to be a mother, but she loved the baby enough to not abo.rt and tried to eat nutritious food.